A funeral in Japan

Naho's grandfather died late new year's day after a relatively short battle with cancer. That is not to say that he went easily but that he went quickly. And he was only in his 70s. Although he seemed to age years in just weeks, he died gracefully and punctually as the holiday allowed him to be surrounded by the people who loved him in the days leading to his death and throughout his funeral.

After passing, his body was taken to his home to rest in his own futon (properly embalmed I'm sure) in front of the family shrine at which he will be payed his respects along with his ancestry from now on. On the following day (Jan. 2) Naho, our two children and I went to help in any way that we could. For the most part, it felt like Naho was being helpful but I was just another person who needed taking care of. Everyone is always happy to see the kids though.

At dinner, we all sat around the table eating, joking around and laughing with grandfathers body lying there among the blankets less than 10 feet away. As grandmother put a bowl of rice next to his sake, it occurred to me that no one felt bad about having a good time because grandpa was such a good man who led such a good life and he was really just right there having a good time with everyone else.

Occasionally, someone would remove the cover from his face to pay respects. I tried not to look, as I hadn't looked at my own grandfather's body, because I wanted to preserve his memory as I thought he would have wanted it. But this was not to be, as Naho later informed me that I was to be counted among the grandsons to be a pall bearer and this duty included placing the body in the coffin.

The following day (Jan. 3) I spent at home with Kenji. Naho and Nami went back to help and the day after that (Jan. 4) was the first day of the 2 day funeral process.

The hearse came and, after a short prayer with sacred jyuzu beads around our hands, we lifted his body into the coffin lined and covered with beautifully woven white cloth and no palls. Family members put in many things of sentimental value such as pictures, letters and a string of 1,000 paper cranes which are often folded and given to a loved one in the hospital. Our family put in a stuffed frog (the Japanese word for frog 'kaeru' is a homonym of the word for 'come home'). We also put in several paper hearts of different colors and sizes that Naho had cut the day before.

We carried his coffin to the hearse to be taken to the town center where the neighbors would prepare the altar and meals and conduct the proceedings of the funeral. I assume this is to take the burden off the mourning family members although there was still quite a bit that grandpa's son Tomio had to keep together.

We placed his coffin in front of the altar which was surrounded by at leas 20 large bouquets of beautiful flowers from various families and six enormous baskets of food including fruit and alcohol but also curry seasoning, cooking oil, coffee creamer and things like that. One of the baskets had my name on it and I was told that this was my gift to him in the after life. As enormous as it was, it was rather meek in comparison to all the help he and his family had given us to get our feet on the ground in Japan.

They held a small ceremony for the neighbors as the the neighbors would have to attend to the main ceremony the next day. We ate a nice vegetarian dinner that they prepared for us and most of the family stayed at the town center to drink and keep grandpa company until the next day. We slept at their house because we have two babies.

We awoke the next morning (Jan. 5) as grandmother was crying and frantically searching the house for her house key. A minor snag but this was certainly no time for minor snags. The key was found and we got going.

Breakfast was served, guests were greeted and seated and the ceremony began. Five elegantly robed priests came and it was much like what we would have done at church but instead of kneeling, we put beads around our hands; instead of a pipe organ, there was a large metal bell laying on its top like a bowl; instead of taking wine and bread, we each took a pinch of incense and sprinkled it on a burning amber.

There was a eulogy and word of gratitude from Tomio. Then the coffin was brought to the center and opened so that it could be filled with the flowers that surrounded the altar. When they opened it, the body and all the things that were put in previously had been covered by a beautifully woven white cloth except for one big red paper heart which had been placed just above his own heart. It was beautiful.

The coffin was filled with flowers. Eyes were filled with tears. Finally his great grand daughter Noa placed a piece of candy inside and the coffin was closed one final time. We carried the coffin to another much more elaborate hearse and followed it in a bus to Himeji.

There we drove up a large hill covered with tombstones and past a large shrine that echoed Angkor Wat in its architecture. On the other side of the hill was a building like any other building in the city. We gathered into a room to pay our final respects with another pinch of incense as a priest chanted once more. Past that room was a long hall with 15 elevator doors. These were not elevators but incinerators.

We said goodbye one last time, went back to the town center for dinner and returned to Himeji 2 hours later to collect the remains. The family gathered into another room.

Soon the large stone tablet on which the coffin had been placed was wheeled in and there among the ashes and staples that held the coffin together were grandfathers bones; mostly intact but brittle enough to be broken with chopsticks. His skull was somewhat less than intact and resembled a large wadded up piece of paper but his jawbone was there beside it in perfect form.

The bones were broken and each person placed the fragments into a large urn and then a small one. As I put in my pieces, I noticed that the stone was still very warm. The curator pointed out that a few of the folded paper cranes that had had been placed in his coffin were there at his feet perfectly intact if only ash.

From there, we made a trip to the temple for another prayer, another pinch of incense and a sermon from the priest. The kids were restless and we cut out early. A meal for all the neighbors was hosted at the grandparents' house followed by another much longer prayer in front of the family shrine that the kids were also not interested in staying quiet for.

After 2 days of trying to figure out what I'm supposed to do next, trying to figure out what the hell everyone is saying to me and trying to keep my kids quiet at the same time, I was finished. Kenji and I played and ate snacks in the other room until they were finished. We had one last nice big meal and went home.

I wrote a letter to their family telling them all the things that I wasn't able to amid the whirlwind of the past two days. Don't ask why there aren't any pictures.